In the Spring I took a compulsory course for my degree in Finance that was centered on Work Based Learning.

For the ones who don’t know the concept, it is fairly simple. You take an area of your work that needs improvement, you review in detail what you have done, you reflect on the problem, pool and research potential resources and voila, you try something else or deepen your training.

The good side of it is that you can tailor the research to your needs and eventually to the ones of your organisation. It meant that during the course I could choose what I wanted to tackle. It was compulsory to do some time management as it is a common problem. I soon discovered that my time management has a serious downside: I didn’t have enough hours during the day to cover my schedule.  Most – if not all- of the other students had problems such as procrastinating, delaying or being put under pressure by their company. In my case, it turned out that my work was not my main problem. Not that I am so good that this particular area doesn’t require attention, but because I am constantly monitoring my efforts, progress and learnings anyway. Not having a boss, a colleague or a client, I was avoiding almost all of the pitfalls of the course. Even better, I like my job. I discovered I was a rarity.

But what is meant by work is not just your paid job. It is any kind of work you actually accomplish, such as the housechores ( up to 5 h a day in my case), studying ( 2 hours a day), doing the school runs ( 2h daily) and whatever hobby you take. To cut a long story short I was working up to 17h a day.

I was told I should tackle my Work Life Balance. It meant I either had to start being a slob or delegate tasks. I decided to delegate.

I went through the process. I made a mind map of all the activities I had to do and the ones I wanted to do. Read numerous books on the subject, including the ones of David Allen. That was interesting. In my to do list I had things such as :

-working, studying, doing the schoolrun, cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping, ironing, dusting, vacuum cleaning, gardening…

In my ” wants” list, I had this:

-writing kids books, learning to draw, dancing, knitting, doing embroidery, writing, reading, travelling, learning how to sew clothes, painting, sculpting, exercising, going to see movies.

I clearly didn’t have the time. But I was decided to apply my learning. ( It was also part of all the assessments I had to do and the final exam). So I organised a meeting with my family, exposed my problem ( they were shocked), asked for help, set up rules ( such as getting committed to the tasks, having regular meetings to evaluate process, progress, problems and performance, possibility of withdrawing at any time etc). My first surprise was that my whole family decided to do some jobs. We made a list of all the jobs, of a schedule and who was going to do which task. I expected boredom, procrastination, recriminations and other enjoyable challenges.

But my assumptions were wrong. First lesson learned: it is not because you know the folks around you that you know what they think and what they are capable of. I didn’t have any complaints. It doesn’t mean that everybody was happy. But nobody was unhappy.

Second lesson: I didn’t have to set up tasks or ask or beg. In the morning at breakfast the kids would get their directions and then that was it. I never had to ask. I never had to show them how to do anything. It turned out that they had seen me doing it for all these years- so they knew.

Third lesson: We learned from each other. They learned that I had needs too, and wants, and they thought I had the same rights as they did. I learned that I had no reason for feeling guilty of sitting down with a book and a cup of tea. I watched them work then play- and there were no particular value put in these different activities. You do what you have to do or what you want to do.

Fourth lesson: The kids started to reflect too. I talked about my work, my studies, my interests.  They listened. Then they started to help each other, swop jobs, do them even when it wasn’t their turn and showed respect for other people’s work. Now that they were doing the jobs, they didn’t like seeing them messed up. So they paid attention, to their work, to the others’.

I had a few week of peace and the effects on my job was amazing. I could sleep more, I had some free time to do my courses, I became faster and better. I earned more money during that Summer than I had done in the last 2 years.

I then looked at my list of wants and realised that it was not realistic. But I am a woman with a plan. So I started with one project- learn sewing. I kept knitting too and got some time to keep reading more regularly.

I finally went on holiday for a week in Paris- and I felt just better.

If I had made the assumption that this rosy state of affair would falter, I would have been right and wrong. My sons kept the habits they took during the summer. But as they are back to school now, I still have a lot of work on my hand- again. But I was prepared. I went part-time trading and decided I’d only do one course at the time for the year to come. My sewing lessons are a regular occurence and I am now able to do dresses. Learning to do trousers now.

So I’ve learned something. Isn’t what courses are made for?

Due to demand I’ve come back.

Been busy these last months. I’m still doing my degree at University, but have now decided that it would be better to do 2 degrees instead of one. The reason being that doing Economics is very interesting but it doesn’t cover all the questions I have about the markets and how things work. I realised that you have models in Economics, models in Finance, models in Accounting- and I thought : ” What the heck, let’s try to get the full picture here”. So here I am. Doing 2 degrees.

The exhaustion is at point break right now. I’m finishing one course – a technical one about how to do research using search engines, academic journals and info online. It’s interesting and boring at the same time. Interesting because I’m suddenly plunged into some hidden faces of the Web I was not aware of. If I knew about blogs, the dangers of Wikipedia and how to use Google or Bing ( Bing being now incorporated to Yahoo), I didn’t know anything about delicious.com,  academic resources or RefWorks.

So I’m learning, but as always with computers, unexpected things happen. Links disappear, computer fails, bookmarks get mysteriously erased and it can be pretty tedious to explore what looks like an maze for a neophyte like me. Persevering though as the more information I gather, the better armed I am.

I have already booked 3 courses for the year to come so I expect to be even more challenged in the future. I find difficult to run out of time and I trust my house looks like a tip right now. But on the other side I am gaining a growing sense of satisfaction while stepping forward into the unknown. My self-confidence is definitely developping, especially after doing a 100% at a maths course; who would have told I could get into maths? Not me. But my fears are not as strong as my hunger for knowledge and the worst that can happen is that I have to give up- and come back later, hopefully.

So work it is.

I wanted to help my best friend practice some English. So I had this wonderful idea to set up an account on YouTube videos and do every day- or as often as I could- a little video where I would pick up a subject for the day. It had to be simple, clear, concise in order for my friend to understand what I was talking about ( she says her English skills are a bit limited).

So I did a little video on the economical situation we are in. Fairly basic: I was just explaining the different root causes of our present recession. The reasons given were: bankers lending money to the wrong people; governements encouraging people to spend; central banks that kept interests low; housing market seen as a pension investment; developping countries expanding- and so on. Then I said that I would come to the eventual solutions in another video.

The feedback was instant. Some guy told me that although I was cute, I had no idea what I was talking about; we are in a depression he said and I should listen to Peter Schiff to learn my economics theories. I had “obviously no idea about the causes link”.  The rant was a tad longer than this, but if I was mildly amused by the reaction, I was definitely shocked by the violence of the retort and the inexactitude of the comments.

You see, I am a woman. In my video I tried to stay neutral and not give away what my thoughts were on the current situation. Although I believe we are seriously on the way to a depression- and a big one- I cannot bring myself to say so for two reasons: one is that a depression is officially a ” prolonged” recession, and a recession has to last on average 13 months. As the US have officially announced that this recession had started in december 2007, I don’t feel authorized to revoke their expertise to decide that we are now in a depression. And  two, actually I will not even say so in February- after the 13 months deadline- as it would simply mean that this recession is a tad longer than average, but not prolonged as yet. For that I would probably wait for a 16 months deadline- the length of the last long recession we had. Keep in mind please that the Great depression ( 1929-1933) lasted officially 4 years.

It doesn’t mean in any way that I believe we are not entering full blast in a depression. I actually do. But I can’t say we are in one yet- because the term would be incorrect.

Funnily enough Peter Schiff says the same…My commentator must have been asleep when Mr Schiff says the word ” recession” in his interviews. Or he’s throwing tomatoes at his tv/computer screen every time he says it, I don’t know. And I have to add that if I agree with Mr Schiff on a lot of his analysis, some of his views are changing quite fast and if you carefully listen to some comments made in the past, some of his views turned out to be wrong  ( the fall of the $ is still expected). It doesn’t mean he’s incompetent, but it is very difficult to predict the future and to be right ALL OF THE TIME. Look at Nouriel Roubini. As Mr Schiff, he did spot the credit crunch crisis way before a lot of people. But now his views are seen as wrong ( he’s in favour of the bailouts and thinks it’s the way to go). Gurus usually last as long as their analysis are seen as right. Then another one takes the throne.

As for the causes, remember, I was trying to be basic and concise. Of course I can go into deep details, such as the reasons why banks started lending to people who couldn’t afford a mortgage in the first place. Think Bill Clinton, Alan Greenspan, threats to the banks that wanted to refuse to play the game- and we can start digging from there. In my comments I was explaining how we were all to blame in the end as I believe it is time for everyone to take responsability. Blaming others is not going to change the future now but if we all take responsability, collectively, we can see a bigger picture appearing and try to decide where we stand and what we are going to do about it.

So…I realise how Youtube can be a fantastic tool for publicity and marketing – which I suspected already- but also what kind of double-edged sword it can be. It seems that most people watch/ listen to it distractively and the result is that they post comments that are inaccurate or stupid. My own experience was not too bad, but I wanted to see by myself how it worked. So I picked up a lot of videos about economics that I watched carefully- and then I read the comments. Most of them were insulting and started with: you don’t know what you’re talking about…, go and watch..( put a guru’s name here) and learn real economics. It was pathetic. The good comments- the ones that had a point and made sense- were usually explaining simply why they disagreed. They didn’t have the word ” moron” in them. But these were not the majority.

I took my video down. I had a few reasons to do so, but at the bottom of them was lingering feeling that  don’t want to be the butt of comments that were so depreciative. You see, telling me that I am cute when I’m talking work, that really killed me.

…is tough, guys. I have to structure my reports. My tutor has explained to me that my style is conversational- which is lovely but doesn’t appear professional. I get the point and I’m working on it. But it is doing my head in sometimes.

My main problem to be honest is that the matter ( introduction to business studies) doesn’t interest me that much. Learning how a business functions and is structured could always be useful I guess, but subjects such as HRM ( Human resource management) sort of anaesthetises my brain. Don’t get me wrong- I dig the concepts. Job design, development and training methods, Theory X and Theory Y…I get the points. But when I have to draw a report about this kind of subjects I go brain dead ( The anaesthetic didn’t work too well I’m afraid).

So I am suddenly struggling with words. What is important here? What isn’t?

My favourite subject – which is economics- doesn’t give me this type of problems whatsoever. I enjoy the whole proccess- reading, learning, doing exercises, reflecting, even applying on a daily basis. Ok let’s be honest again- I bloody love the subject. And tryin go from the theory to reality just makes do leaps and bonds. It’s fascinating to see how economics apply to about anything. But businesses…forget it.

My fellow students seem as passionate as I am. I’ve been trying to organize a reunion to explore ideas and exchange knowledge but to no avail. On 27 people two seemed vaguely interested. None have asked me for a date. I gave up.

What I found though curious is how much people keep using their own experience at every level on any subject. Whatever we study the same topic comes back to haunt the forum: it’s me time and what I’ve been through- good or bad. I try to relate and occasionally post my own two pence of experience in the workfield- but what I see really is that ” the big picture” is almost always lost. Amazon, Tesco and other big companies play the role of the baddies. Their policies are close to slavery procedures. People talk about their rights a lot. one of them talk about their duties, and even less what the economical requirements of our time do to the business world in general. I may be out of subject here, but I am amazed to see that no one put themselves in a big company shoes. HRM is the holy Grail of working pleasure. Really? Does this reflect reality? Or does it only for a small part of the world population?

But this kind of blindness or blissful ignorance is socially acceptable it seems. I was talking to a banker last week- in Switzerland- and I was underlining that the world population that lives in famine has now reached the billion. That’s not exactly good news, is it, to know that one sixth of the population of earth is dying of hunger? Is anybody thinking about a war here? I was told that this was not new. After all, inequalities had always and will always exist. Let’s move on to another subject.

But I don’t take it as lightly as that. Add the statistics. Population without food on the increase. Fertilizers prices rising. Small farmers ( 80% of the farming world) not planting as much food as they used to. More people without their basic needs being fulfill. What is going to happen?

It is a far far away problem. It almost seems that it is actually taking place on the moon- or even further. Right now what our Wester world is concern about is that instead of buying 10 gifts for each kids in a household, their parents will only buy one or two. Aw, how sweet. That hurts indeed.

We live now in a world where it is time to set our priorities right. Governements are bailing out companies that creating their own misery, rewarding them for their greediness and stupidity. The ones who didn’t commit those offences are being punished by watching dishonest/ unproductive concurrents getting their beggars money when themselves have to just keep going in the current environment- with no support whatsoever. People who can’t repay their loans are encouraged to take another one. If they can’t pay the first one, how can any governement imagine they could pay the last one? Money is being thrown out of the windows- but the results seem only to be delayed. How many individuals debts could have been erased if that money had simply ben given to them? The last time I heard a number, I was told that half of the world individual debts could have been erased. I don’t know how to check these numbers at the moment- but even if it were a quarter only, wouldn’t it have been a better solution?

I’m afraid I’m getting carried away again. That’s why I went back to University- to learn to structure my thoughts, to expand my knowledge and ultimately, hopefully, to do something about this chaotic mess. What I’ve learned so far is that I still have a lot to learn a lot to explore and that overcoming smaller minds issues will be challenging.

Merry Xmas to you all.

  I was away. In a sense. It dawned on me, a few months ago, that I love my job. I am becoming more and more consistent and my knowledge now is giving me this ” intuition” feeling that keeps me away from bad trades. Now let’s get this straight before I go any further: intuition here is of course sarcastic. It is based on the amount of experience I have been accumulating through the years. I now know how to read my charts like an open book- and when I don’t, I simply stay out. Yes, it is that simple.

   And it has become rather boring. There is so much money you can make when you respect your plan and I can’t take more than 3 trades a day on average as I have a tendency to damage my eyes if I stay behind a computer for too long. But the truth is that I love to learn. I love the challenge. And staying behind my computer watching the mini-sized Dow was not enough anymore.

  I wanted to do commodities. And maybe have a look at my old Nemesis- the FX market ( to be clear, I have never traded it much. But I still don’t get it). So I started studying the intermarket relationship. And then it hit me. It hit me hard because I was trying hard to figure out how all this work out and the more I studied, the less it made sense. Take gold for example. I saw some people swear that Gold would reach $2000 an ounce by mid 2009. Other say thatGold will go down the drain in a deflationary move like the rest of all commodities. I’ve heard of margin calls, deleveraging, governement selling and hedge funds panicking; I’ve listened to investors swear that they want to protect their assets and buy more; I’ve read articles about the fact that gold will explode once the selling by the biggies is done and overdone and the people’s action will actually sink in. But what I’ve learned most of all is that nobody knows what is happening. On a daily basis you have your reading. But in 3 months time, better ,in one or two years, what I see is guessing.

  So I decided that there was a lot I didn’t know. In order to have a clue, I needed some fondations. Reading books as they come my way was not enough anymore. I wanted a structure. Something solid, to which I could go back and build my own vision. I didn’t want other people ’s opinion, I wanted mine- not as a reaction to something I learn or I hear, based on some knowledge.

    I went back to University. I registered for business studies before realising that I could make it simpler and go to Economics. Now the Uk system is a tad strange. If you want to register with the best Universities you have to go through a process of interviews, exams and a few other requirements and from my first contacts, it turned out that I was too old, not sponsored by any big companies or name and in short not interesting enough. Oh oh. On one phone call basis I was not straight away turned down but warned to look elsewhere. Although I am usually a fighter I decided that the wiser route was to prove myself and show that I was committed. So I registered with the very open minded Open University. And I enrolled straight away for two level one courses. I was told it was easy. Well…It was half true. One course is easy, one is not.

  The easy one is all about money. It’s about income, taxes, insurance and the Uk system of finance. I love it. That’s probably why I find it easy. The other course is an introduction to business studies. It is a nightmare. It has more concepts per page than I have socks and knickers in my drawers. Most of them seem so complicated that I even dream about them. I have to reread every sentence three times before I even figure out what it meant. And I feel constantly stupid and slow because I have no idea about this stuff. It is not that i don’t understand it- it is that the way it is said and explained look so complicated. It looks to me as if someone tried hard to look clever and made it as complicated as they could. Then you read something like ” Outliers: The story of Success ” by Malcom Gladwell and you find half of one book explained and you go : ” Aaaahhh…why couldn’t they tell it like that?”.

   But guess what, I’m not quitter. Although the matter doesn’t interest me one bit, I hold on. It looks like a real challenge. I have to be concise, to study hard and to respond to other people’s views. So I do it.

University is a whole new world. You find people who are keen on studying and people who make excuses for their lack of organisation. One thing you learn in trading is that ‘if you fail to plan, you plan to fail’. At University is becomes even truer. I end up spending most of my weekends studying and it took me two weeks to do my first 2 assignments as unfortunately it turned out that my two course each gave me an assignment for the same date.  Anyway I did them the best I could- rewrote them about a dozen times and ended up praying that I had understood what I had been supposed to do. But I handed them one day early as I thought that what I wanted most now was some feedback- that would allow me to do better next time. I hope.

So now I’m working part time, studying the other part time and doing what i used to do anyway. It is extremely tiring but I am happy anyway. It is one of the first time I’m doing something entirely for myself. My family seems to accept this with a generosity without limits. The house looks alright although now they all have to participate and do tasks for me. Nobody’s complaining so far. I’m truly amazed- and blessed.

 

   So here you go. I struggle of course- nothing’s ever easy. Otherwise everybody would do it. And the trade offs are to been seen. But I trust that I made the right choice and I’m looking forward to the future. I probably need the courage as this is just the beginning. I have my doubts about my abilities but the truth is- if I don’t try, I’ll never know. The sky’s the limit, the world is my oyster…All that sort of things.

So far I love it.

We had our house warming party on Saturday. The house was more or less ready and tidy, but we still had our dining room packed up to the ceiling . Guests were very impressed just by the look of it so I didn't dare comment about the cellars and the coach house. They are bigger – and full of boxes too. Our neighbours came early to help me look after the children while I should have been preparing the desserts. It turned out I was late on my schedule and they ended up cleaning the kitchen with me before helping peel a mountain of apples. I made apple pies, pear pies, apricot pies and chocolate mousse. Not one dessert lasted more than 20 seconds once put on the table. People complained they didn't have a bite. It was brilliant. Although I had hoped we had enough for everybody, I also know that when you tatse something sweet, the less you eat the better it tastes. It is an old trick, that actually got a famous cola company in trouble. They tried to create a new taste – many years ago- and when samples were tested, lots of people absolutely loved a particular one. When it was put on the market, it turned out to be a catastrophe. It took the cola company a while to find out that their clients taste buds couldn't cope with the sweetness of their product. Lesson learned.<br />
We had our children, their friends and children of our friends – in total, more than 20 of them. Aged from 1 to 18, they all were very well behaved and we enjoyed their company. We had more than 50 adult guests turning up and it was very pleasureable to spend some time with so many people we love and we like. I think we should do this more often! I am already planning my husband's birthday, which is in September…<br />
Now of course we are completely knackered. The house is very cleaned as the neighbours – once again- popped in and gave us a hand. I don't think I could have better neighbours actually, which is great. But we are physically drained. It was to the point that my beloved husband forgot to close the main door yesterday, while we were going out. He didn't just left it unlocked, he left it wide open. We came back a few hours later- and it turned out that an Amazon delivery guy had left a parcel for me – inside the house. But nothing was missing. Amazing. I am not sure if there is a lesson to be learn here…<br />
When you are happy, there isn't much to say. For us all, it took a trampoline, a great barbecue, lots of friends around, a few pies and a bit of free leisure time. Nobody got drunk- which was premiere, but I realize that when you have fun, English people don't need to drink that much. So for once the discussions were coherent and funny. And clever…<br />
Now it is back to a normal life. I am trading, shopping, cleaning and I can take my time to open new boxes. The holidays are not far- and I will definitely take some time off. I need to spend some time with my family – and the friends who will join us. I hope I will also take time to read….and do nothing. If I am able to!

I can be very sad. I resent sometimes the fact that I don't have enough time on my hands to accomplish all the tasks I have on my list. Due to our move, I still have about 400 boxes to unpack- at least. I make sure that the kitchen and the bathrooms are always clean, I dust and I vacuum clean once a week – which is not enough. I lately discovered about 6 boxes full of clothes that had been stored in a damp place, so I had to wash them all. It has taken me more than a week to do it- 7 to 8 washloads a day. I should be finished by the end of this week- but then I was not able to keep up with the ironing. At first I did quite well; 3 hours in the evening while I was watching a movie with my beloved and discussing a few topics that would interest us. Then I did 2 hours, and soon I had quite a pile on the sofa. Good weather allowing I was able to do more washloads. The mountain grew bigger. The boxes were lingering in the halls of the house. I had pictures frames, jewellery, books and toys littering my office. I am used to order and spotless hygiene so I started to suffer. Add to this my youngest child with chicken pox, the feeling that I am overwhelmed by the situation, and a bad trading day ( that could have been actually funny; everytime one of my daughters entered the room, I jumped and pressed the trigger. I got it at the second mistake and got my arrow away from the clicking button. But it cost me a bit). <br />
So when the time came to go to bed, I was tired, a tad frustrated and wondering how I was going to sort out this mess- literally.<br />
I fell asleep, woke up 45 min later because of some thugs evaluating the opportunity of breaking into our house, then one of my daughters woke up, then again…And It was one in the morning, two, three…and I got up. I thought that maybe I could trade FX while I was finally in peace but there wasn't anything that screamed " go for it!". So I started making some research about my strategies and watching wher they could apply, which stocks, what markets, and so on. After an hour, I decided I could surf Amazon, but tempatation was hard to resist so I read all my mail and the trading news I hadn't read this week. Finally I considered playing some computer games but came to the conclusion that it would be wiser catching up with my ironing. I spent the next 5 hours and a half just doing that. Having reminiscences of a time where I used to have fantasies about staying up all night in order to catch up with my housewife work so I could then spend the day with my kids and be free of any obligation. I had been wise enough not to test it as I reckoned that it would be more than likely that I'd be too knackered in the morning to enjoy anything. But now I had my opportunity; I could spend all night doing it – I wasn't tired. I felt completely numb.<br />
At 8 am I went to check the UK market, something I hadn't done in 2 months. I was horrified by the spread and wondered why I had spent so much time and effort to do it. Then I realized that I had only done a third of my ironing, 3 washing, and that the kitchen was a mess. I was basically in a haze and stayed there all day. I didn't trade in the afternoon as opportunities wer rare thanks to what is called FED day. By 7pm I was ready and watching the markets again but didn't lift a finger to trade. I knew what to do and papert raded it, but a part of me was just happy watching.<br />
So I guess that I fullfilled my fantasy, at the cost I had predicted. It was unvoluntarily but as it happened, all I could do is going all the way.<br />
I am too old for this. I will take a sleeping pill if I ever get there again!<br />

I went to a wedding on Saturday. It was kind of typical; the guests were – some of them- excentric. The parents of the bride and groom sometimes disagreed on little things. The friends of the married couple were having loads of fun. The weather was changing- sunny, then rain started falling down. Although the occasion was supposed to be formal and all the assistance was wearing – I believe- their best clothes, most people were relaxed and happy. I had a great time. I saw some guys whom I hadn't seen for 6 years. They hadn't changed a bit. I met girls who were welcoming and lovely. My eyes were watering while I watched my friends tie the knot. I remembered my own ceremony and my husband pronouncing his vows. The speeches were witty and full og innuendos that completely escaped me ( I am not a Star Trek fan). <br />
The meal was very good. The company remained sober until quite late in the evening. There is now a tradition that I find very clever; the guests have to pay for their own booze. It works a treat. People don't get drunk too quickly. You can still enjoy their presence ( of mind). I personnally enjoy sobriety, as I don't drink, but also the fact that I may have the possibility to talk to people whose minds are not wandering on a personal and tortuous path that is inaccessible ( unless you're drunk yourself or on drugs, in which case you may have the illusion to connect with the poor soul). So I thoroughly enjoyed myself.<br />
<br />
The pleasures of Life are sometimes very simple. Good company, good spirit ( not the one with alcohol) and a bit of food on the side. I'd wish people 'd get married everyday. A friend suggested we'd all remarry again – at the same time. One huge wedding , all of us renewing our vows and giving a hell of a party. Sounds good to me- I'd be game for it. Maybe we could just give a hell of a party. Summer's coming.

I have several female friends lately whose marriage has gone into crisis. Some of them think that the symptoms are mild and some of them believe that the situation is getting serious. I have been ask for advice – a task I actually fear when it comes to intimate relationships. Now ask me about your boss, your children, your mother – and I will tell you my deepest thoughts about them. But husbands and wives…That's another matter. Why? Because in my experience, when you are asking for advice on the subject, it means that you are not ready to make a decision. And whatever I'll say, you will be the devil advocate. And usually the discussion ends with both party feeling misunderstood at best, hurt at worst.<br />
But the truth is, I have plenty of advice for all situations. So I am putting them here, in the hope I will never hear the dreaded question again.<br />
Beware that I have one failed marriage behind me, and one that is so far the dream one. I went from one extreme to another, so I can't really pretend I am an expert on the subject. But I also love top open my big mouth, so here you are, open your ears, agony aunt is ready to spill it all out.<br />
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Your case is mild if you still remember why you fell in love in the first place, you still want to have sex with your other half no matter what and you are conscious that he/ she is doing his/ her share most of the time. If you are in these territories where you feel that not everything is perfect in your couple but you are willing to talk about it, then this is my advice: take at least a weekend off every two months. Go away. Plan it a little bit – like the place you're are going to stay at, and enjoy the surprises of the unexpected. Talk about anything and everything, including your dreams, your goals, your values, your memories and this especially about anything you have in common. Leave the kids with someone if you have any. What you probably need is some time alone, some good sex and some adventure. If you can stretch it to a week or a month, it is even better. Now if you spend this time fighting or bickering, I'd suggest you are in phase two. The unmild one.<br />
Your case is starting to be serious if you argue a lot, feel resentful about things that you bottle up – until one of you explode- or if you sulk for more than 3 minutes. It is also serious if you realize that you both diverge in issues such as money, sex, values, goals and time spent together. It is also serious when you notice that promises are, well, just promises. By the way, a promise that is not kept, or that is delayed, or that is filled only once or for a week ( such as taking the bins out or going to Venice on a second honeymoon) is a lie. If you are angry, you can say it is a blatant lie. For the women who still haven't got that point, when man say one thing ( such as : you and the kids are the most important thing on earth to me) and do another ( workoholic doesn't even remember when children have their birthday or never turns up for the holidays or simply, the goodnight kiss), then he is lying. He is not thinking one thing and doing another. He is telling you what you want to hear in order for you to leave him alone. For the men who are oblivious, a wife who stops telling you what happens at work and suddenly loses weight is a warning sign that her attention is somewhere else and probably in the hands of someone who shows a minimum of care. For both genders, if you have problems with your other half but still believe that if he/ she would change/ make the effort of/ finally listens to your demands your relationship would work, then you are deluding yourself seriously. You married a projection of an ideal, not a person. My advice is that it is up to you to fight or not. But if you do, try to do it nicely and play fair. Don't try to make him/ her jealous or envious. Don't play with their feelings. If you do, it may work – for a time. But if it becomes a habit, you will have to top it up more and more with threats that you might be unwilling to carry. And you may have more to lose than you imagine. Now to play fair, you have to be able to see both sides- up to a limit. Note the things that he/ she is doing well and the efforts involved in the process. Then choose a moment when things are calm and ask to have a proper discussion about one specific subject that annoys you – just one, don't mix up work, kids, in-laws and money at the same time. It can become overwhelming and get out of hands rapidly. In order to do so, give a 15 or 30 minutes rule- with no overtime. It obliges you to keep to the subject and be concise. It helps. And if you go nowhere with this…<br />
Your are in the desperate phase. It is usually the final one. You basically can't stand your sweet half. Even seeing him/ her munch his / her lunch gives you the creep. You feel like screaming inside when you imagine a dialogue with him/ her- and if you actually listen to what you are saying, it sounds more like a monologue and you are a victim. You have fantasies about leaving/ meeting someone else/ killing him/ her / asking for divorce. You still make excuses to stay – such as : but I love him so much!, except when… a here the list is not exhaustive. And last but not least, there is no sex, no sparkle, and when there is, it is more hygienic than anything else- but it can become repulsive, even though it is hard to admit. What stops you to leaving has actually nothing to do with the relationship itself or the person you used to love; it has more to do with money problems, what people will say, how you are going to deal with the kids , etc. Like it or not, you are going to leave sooner or later. At this stage, any resistance is just useless.<br />
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In order to have a good marriage, I believe that several things are important. You have to accept that the fusion phase is over. But that complicity replaces it. Sex is more comfortable, but it is up to you to make it imaginative. Not every word is important, but listening is. Sharing time, interests, ideas is paramount. Patience is key, concessions are inevitable. My husband calls them sacrifices. In my view this involves something that you suffers to lose- but he stretches that it can be uplifting. So acceptance is the word. Reviewing your common values from time to time may be useful. Your paths may start to diverge without you noticing. In these days and age when we now have so many choices and such a longer life, it may be silly to expect to follow a traced destiny. This is also valid for relationships. <br />
And if you treat the people around you with kindness, respect and fairness, you should expect the same in return. If it isn't what you give, be prepared to gather the fruit of your lack of efforts.<br />
THere is no recipe for a perfect combination. My belief is that you have priorities and that the person you choose has to correspond in some ways. I 've been told that my marriage is probably not the ideal one as my husband is not the main breadwinner at the moment. But in my view, I have it; I wanted a family man, and under this aspect, he has always shown that the children and I were his priority, in all circumstances. Money has never been the main characteristic I was looking for in a man- and this hasn't changed. But I guess that what I think of my marriage has nothing to do with what other people believe it is. And I don't mind.<br />
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A last word of advice. A French writer once said that marriage chains are so heavy that you have to be at least 3 people to bear them. Although it is funny – as much as the aristocrats joke- it isn't true. When a third party is involved, you add insulty to injury- and as far as I've been witnessing it- complicates the situation to the Nth degree. But some people like to play with fire. Interestingly enough, they are always the most reluctant ones to watch their house burning.<br />
I wish you all good luck with this one.<br />

I started to write this blog because I thought it could be fun and quite a challenge updating it. I also believed that it would allow my friends, spread all over the world, to be updated about my whereabouts without having to phone me or wait for an email. Although I am very faithful and constant- I even still call every other year my childhood friends.<br />
Now when you keep a blog, a few things happen. One, you get unwanted messages. Like spam porn and other funny things- I am still amazed at the number of emails I receive that promise me that my penis will be bigger or my sex life enhanced. The fact that " James" is in my address and email address sems to be confusing. I even received an email from my broker that started with: Dear James…How easy. What about checking the actual real name of your customers? If I had put " Batman" in my address, would I have received " Dear Batman"?. I might try that. Will I still be offered to have my penis enlarged? Am I swiftly being transported in a new sci-fi age I totally ignored existed?<br />
Okay, now two: you get lots of responses. One of my best friends told me she loved reading my blog as it wasn't boring. She confessed that she has another friend who updates her blog, bless her, every day. But the content shows why: she has nothing to do. All she relates about is how she put her make up on and what she did during the day. Subject number one: her children. And how wonderful they are. It seems that the more I was hearing about it, the less I wanted to know. Why? Because we are all the same. It may be comforting to learn that so and so does the same things that you do, like eat blue cheese in the morning on a baguette and brushes her teeth BEFORE breakfast. Wow. That's news. Keep me updated please, I need more. No kidding I am sure that some people do find comfort in these types of blog- as they feel lonely. But what is the point really? For the blogger it sort of seems that he/ she is throwing a bottle in the sea. Maybe someone, in this big wide world, will pick it up, and oh miracle, will actually respond to it. This has as many chances to happen than to win the lottery – and it is a very overstated guess. Now if you want to get more responses, I suggest you have a face lift with pictures on every step of your recovery or that you become Perez Hilton. Well my blog does get responses and quite a few reactions. It seems that my report on Bobbi Brown's book was a winner between women over the age of 31. I had to discuss the merits of ageing versus the ones of using every possible means to deny it, the weight of society – the blame was largely put on men on this one, although I would have thought that it is up to the women themselves to decide what they should really do about it.I had to compare the benefits of cutting your hair as soon as you hit 41 against being wild and crazy and keeping it long- by the way, mine is now reaching my breast and I intend to grow it longer. Anyway, the bottom line is that my blog seemed to have triggered a lot of fun.<br />
I had a look around though. Now you have my space.com &amp; Facebook.com, secondlife.com and so on. The more the merrier I guess. But what amazes me is how open and careless all these people are. In a simple click of the mouse you find out – in one page- who they are, where they live, what they like and dislike, where they go to party, if they are druggies or swingers, and so on and so forth. I am not talking about the ones desperate enough to have pages and pages of friends they actually don't know, but I bet they think they are cool. No one seems to think that their boss might one day check these pages. " I love: Robbie Williams, getting drunk and shoes" says one. Another one makes the list of his likes and loves; interestingly enough, there is no mention of his long term girlfriend. This other couple posted – separately- that he wants kids, but she doesn't. And I am not talking about the ex who lists an incredible list of books, movies and cds that you used to love at the time you were together – and have probably ceased to like since you both split up. Pathetic, in a way. But terribly fascinating. These people are opening their life to unknowns who may not be friendly but they don't seem to communicate much with their life partners. How conscious are they of their underlying relationship contract?. That's what I'd like to know.<br />
I have even witnessed discussions via skype – i.e. instant communication – where things were said and totally ignored. Then you come back to the subject and your interlocutor seems to struggle to understand something you told him previously, as if sending a message has simply become sufficient to sustain the communication. The meaning becomes unimportant.<br />
At the end of the day, it is not only what you do that counts, it is what you are that makes a difference. And it seems to me that among this sea of words that never dies nobody really knows. And nobody really cares.